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Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.