My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I just ran a .003048K
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
British websites use biscuits.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.