I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
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Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue