My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
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“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Anyone really
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”