Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
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I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.