She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
You Might Also Like
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.