AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
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Have kids, they said
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not