Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
What a website
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.