My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
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There is no “we” in pizza
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes