Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
You Might Also Like
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
😅😅😅
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
No Google it does not
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying