My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.