if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
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Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.