Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Me irl
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.