Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
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My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.