[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
You Might Also Like
“HELP WITH CAT”
🙂🙃🥹
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.