INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
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4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.