[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
You Might Also Like
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist