1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
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Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?