Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
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Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.