“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
FRED: right
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.