Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
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“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what