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The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Not all heroes wear capes…
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount