In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
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**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
we’re dead?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Name this drama.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*