ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
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*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Fight
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there