The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
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The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?