Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter