Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
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ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
this chia pet tastes awful
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out