Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
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GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
😂😂😂
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles