Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
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SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My blood type is b hungry.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Check your privilege
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???