I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Wait a second…
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!