why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
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ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?