Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
The Backseat Boys
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou