ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Awwwww shit.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
new wife guy just dropped
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween