Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
#parenting
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.