young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
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I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.