There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Oh my god
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Y’all ready for this
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.