Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
You Might Also Like
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.