*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
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I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill