Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
You Might Also Like
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me