Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Solving a traffic jam
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I don’t get marriage
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.