My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.