DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
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My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
jesus christ confetti not now
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.