Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
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According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
bad news gang
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
It do be feeling this way.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Why is everyone getting married at me
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT