[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
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If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I feel seen.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r