No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
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Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?