kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
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I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I feel it
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way