I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
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When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.