The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
You Might Also Like
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Twitter is an abusement park.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.