this makes me so uncomfortable
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How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Me too, bag. Me too….
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
The two types of wives
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.