Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME